Possible humour.

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anglefire
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Possible humour.

Post by anglefire » Tue Dec 12, 2017 5:34 pm

My local Junk shop has decided to provide topless female staff who will undress for sufficient quantities of bric-a-brac.

They're calling it "Tit for Tat".

A priest and an Australian shepherd got a tie in a quiz show so they have to solve the last question: find a rhyme on the word Timbuktu. After five minutes the priest returns and says: "I was a father all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu..." The crowd was cheering him and thought he would win as the shepherd returns: "When Tim and I to Brisbane went, we met three ladies cheap to rent. They were three and we were two, so I booked one and Tim booked two..."

An actual tweet from Chicago:

"I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant.

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby."


Mark

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DSL
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Re: Possible humour.

Post by DSL » Tue Dec 12, 2017 6:17 pm

Welcome back!! :thumbright:

:lol: :lol:


If only I could think of something useful to type here!! :(

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Re: Possible humour.

Post by PillowSmuggler » Tue Dec 12, 2017 8:12 pm

Oh yes, he's back alright!
:lol: :lol: :lol:


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Re: Possible humour.

Post by Stu » Wed Dec 13, 2017 9:08 pm

Oh dear! Getting in early for comedian of the year!


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Re: Possible humour.

Post by benp » Wed Dec 13, 2017 10:05 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :thumbright:


Benner of the year
club dog guard in-out-in-out-in-out-in-out-in-out-in-out-in-out-in-out-in-out-in-out-in-out....club the dog is dead but cant change the signature :(
club the D3 is alive!

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Re: Possible humour.

Post by anglefire » Fri Jan 12, 2018 7:26 am

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's ass. It's the tortoise life for me!

1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it can live for more than 150 years. And, you tell me to exercise? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the lamp post.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE..........??????

I hope not...


Mark

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anglefire
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Re: Possible humour.

Post by anglefire » Fri Jan 12, 2018 7:27 am

Judy Wallman Trump, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that President Donald Trump's great, great uncle, Remus Trump, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and President Trump share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory. On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: “Remus Trump, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.”

So Judy recently e-mailed the President for information about their great, great uncle, Remus.

Believe it or not, President Trump's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

“Remus Trump was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.”

Now THAT is how it's done, Folks! That's "TRUE POLITICAL SPIN"!


Mark

Waeco CFX 40
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Skoda Superb SE L Ex (Gone)
2006 disco3 SE. Gone but not forgotten.
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anglefire
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Re: Possible humour.

Post by anglefire » Mon Feb 26, 2018 10:43 pm

This has to be the biggest joke of the year.

Londoners brave the fierce snow this morning. UK weather and transport latest: Commuters battle delays with more chaos to come amid heavy snow - Evening Standard https://apple.news/Ati5Zdp9ARKWvndoOsvBweA

I was there. It was a bit of snow. A few flakes. Nothing more. Apart from being fecking cold.


Mark

Waeco CFX 40
1977 Triumph Spitfire 1500
Skoda Enyaq IV 80
Skoda Superb SE L Ex (Gone)
2006 disco3 SE. Gone but not forgotten.
BMW 530d M Sport Touring. Gone
Member of Admin team and :ugeek:
Disco3Club Photos: Here

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benp
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Re: Possible humour.

Post by benp » Tue Feb 27, 2018 10:09 am

yeah the "beast from the East" is a bit :poo: here


Benner of the year
club dog guard in-out-in-out-in-out-in-out-in-out-in-out-in-out-in-out-in-out-in-out-in-out....club the dog is dead but cant change the signature :(
club the D3 is alive!

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anglefire
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Re: Possible humour.

Post by anglefire » Fri Mar 09, 2018 6:28 pm

Hi everyone - sorry but I won't be able to send any jokes for a while.

I've been admitted to hospital.



I did something silly - I poisoned myself, I ate what I thought was an onion but it turned out to be a tulip bulb !



Don’t worry though, the doctor said I’ll be out in the spring.............


I used to date the girl whose voice is used in Sat Navs. When we broke up I didn't know which way to turn!

To get rid of my obsession I threw away all of my books about Dusty Springfield. Now I just don't know what to do with myself!


Mark

Waeco CFX 40
1977 Triumph Spitfire 1500
Skoda Enyaq IV 80
Skoda Superb SE L Ex (Gone)
2006 disco3 SE. Gone but not forgotten.
BMW 530d M Sport Touring. Gone
Member of Admin team and :ugeek:
Disco3Club Photos: Here

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