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Re: Possible humour.

Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2018 9:32 pm
by DSL
:lol: :lol: :lol: :thumbright:

Re: Possible humour.

Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2018 9:59 pm
by benp
:lol: :thumbright:

Re: Possible humour.

Posted: Tue Oct 02, 2018 8:23 pm
by anglefire
Just got scammed out of 25 quid.

Bought a Tiger Woods dvd entitled "My favourite 18 holes"

Turns out it's about Golf......

Absolute waste of money!! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Re: Possible humour.

Posted: Wed Oct 03, 2018 7:05 pm
by benp
:roll:

Re: Possible humour.

Posted: Thu Oct 25, 2018 8:59 pm
by anglefire
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the kerb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.

Re: Possible humour.

Posted: Thu Nov 08, 2018 9:48 pm
by anglefire
Seniors Banking... PRICELESS!!


Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENCE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client


And remember:
Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to :censored: us off.

Re: Possible humour.

Posted: Sun Nov 18, 2018 12:35 pm
by anglefire
Liz Hurley was quoted just this week as "It doesn't matter what size you are, as long as you keep firm."

I believe she was talking about weight and fitness.

Re: Possible humour.

Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2018 9:17 pm
by anglefire
After my recent prostate exam, which, I must say, was the most thorough I've ever had, the doctor left and the nurse came in. As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear. She said... "Who was that guy who just left?"

Re: Possible humour.

Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2018 3:14 pm
by anglefire
Probably a repeat. Insert car of choice


John finally decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend. One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage, just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke…………….. “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your spares collection and that stupid old Triumph.” John got a horrified look on his face. She said”Darling, what’s wrong?” He replied, “There, for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.” “Ex-wife!” she screamed, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!” John replied: “I wasn’t.”

Re: Possible humour.

Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2018 8:42 am
by anglefire
A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say "123," and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The man then asks, "What happens when it"s over, and I don"t want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is "1234", and it will then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised. His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say "123" for?"