How do you handle death?

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Re: How do you handle death?

Post by PhilHunt » Sun May 08, 2011 9:34 pm

Really sorry to hear your news Ian. At least you've felt that you were able to share it with all of us on here.

I lost my dad when I was 7 years old so never got to do much of things that dad's do with their sons as they're growing up towards adulthood. At least you were able to do those things with your dad and he was able to see you grow into an adult and become a father to the next generation of your family. My dad died totally unexpectedly when he went in for a routine operation. My mum died nearly 2 years ago within 3 months of being diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour. I watched her health deteriorate rapidly during that period.

As the others have said, everyone deals with these things in their own way. Those around you will expect you to be strong for them but at the right time you'll need to find time with yourself to deal with things.

You have my number too so if you want me to take your mind off of things by discussing elements of our Constitution give me a call. You're in all our thoughts mate. You know that. :thumbright:


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Re: How do you handle death?

Post by Bodsy » Sun May 08, 2011 9:46 pm

Even this thread helps, so thank you all. It helps knowing I'm not alone and others have gone through Exactly the same thing. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It is really appreciated. :cry:


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Re: How do you handle death?

Post by Kingmav66 » Sun May 08, 2011 9:58 pm

Ian, i'm sorry to hear that your Dad has passed away. I haven't experienced this myself so my advise is limited.
All i can say is to talk about it as and when you feel necessary (even if it means ringing one of us lot), there's plenty of us on here who care matey :thumbright:
All the best and keep your chin up.
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Re: How do you handle death?

Post by moose » Sun May 08, 2011 9:59 pm

Sorry to hear your news Ian, like many others I've been there. talking about it IMHO helps.


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Re: How do you handle death?

Post by Paul » Sun May 08, 2011 10:52 pm

Sorry to hear about this Ian. I guess you saw it coming, but I doesn't make it any easier.

I lost my father 20 years ago when I was 17. It threw me off the rails for a couple of years, but I guess that is just how you deal with these things at that age.

I lost my mother a few years ago and I think I dealt with it in a "keep it to yourself" kind of way. This time around I had a wife and child (just the one at the time) and as I also live abroad, I suppose I dealt with it differently. It put me on a downer, but certainly not in the same way as when my father passed away and as I was older and had other things to keep me occupied the sadness was easier to deal with.

I know that talking is supposed to be the best way to help people through the grief period, but in my case I didn't really talk to anyone about it.

People also say that time heals and in a way it's true. It doesn't stop you missing the people that are now no longer with you, but it does help you to remember them in a more objective way and it also allows you to do so without getting so emotional about it (something that is impossible in the first few days/weeks/months immediately after losing someone close).

My thoughts are with you and your family Ian.

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Re: How do you handle death?

Post by Reggieb » Sun May 08, 2011 10:55 pm

Condolences Ian

Never want to hear of this sort of thing but it comes to us all, six brothers and sisters.. :shock: wow :!: I'd never of imagined there were more like you.. :whistle:
It goes without saying that our thoughts are with all of you at this time, deal with it in whatever way you feel right but don't bottle it up, humour is often the best way but only you will know how you feel.

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Re: How do you handle death?

Post by PillowSmuggler » Mon May 09, 2011 8:19 am

Sorry for your loss Ian,

As already mentioned, everyone deals with it differently. I've also observed that the situation that led to the death has a lot of bearing on the feelings too, along with your own esteem of the person. There is for instance an element of contentment and perhaps even a shade of happiness when the death comes to end a period of pain and suffering, and a lot more rage when someone was taken before their time.

I have even seen one close familly member of the deceased actually beeming like a lottery winner at the funeral, so I've witnessed the full range of emotions in play. I have yet to experience the demise of my own parents, so for those feelings I'm left with only imagination and a sense of trepidation as I know I'm going to feel it hard.

The best way of dealing with it is not to bottle it up, and use your friends and family as emotional crutches (and in turn act as one to the others dealing with the same loss - equally if not more important). It used to be custom to wear a black armband to show mourning and this used to signal a need for tact and to make allowances for any outburst; this helped in many ways, but importantly ensured that the mourner wasn't harrassed into talking about their feelings other than gentle probings until they had released all their pent up emotions.

Interestingly, the interweb has brought us the forum and email, and the non-face to face communication these provide, as well as the time delay of your choosing in responding (difficult by phone or face to face) allow you to express your feelings at your own pace. Just remember that forums are public places.

We're all here for you bud, lean on us as you see fit.


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Re: How do you handle death?

Post by Non Stick Nick » Mon May 09, 2011 8:39 am

Bodsy,

Sorry to hear your news & I know exactly how you feel.
I lost my Dad some years ago.
It was un-expected but after years of smoking, the side effects finally caught up with him.
He was a great man & my hero.

I am not sure if it helped or not but he actually died in front of me & Mum.
He had a heart attack.
I tried to revive him with CPR until the ambulance came but it was not enough.

I know he always said he had had a great life and didn't want any one for feel sorry for him.
We tried to celebrate his life, but the tears do come and I think it is good to let it out, when the need arises.

After about 2 months I began to get a guilt complex about not being able to save him. You see CPR done on TV and most of the time it works. Life ain't like that though. I know I did my best & eventually to guilt went.

Even today writing this to try and help you is helping me. It's a funny old world. As many of the others have said, if I can help, please let me know. Maureen & I send our condolences.

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Re: How do you handle death?

Post by Stu » Mon May 09, 2011 10:04 am

Slightly off topic

Nick CPR is incredibly ineffective, so you must not feel guilty. Most of the time CPR is about keeping things going until the professionals can get there. It is almost unheard of to bring someone round with CPR. Drowning or suffocation are the most likely to get a decent result rather than something such as heart attack etc. as the loss of breathing and heart beat is a bi-product of the issue and unless the issue is resolved it won't make any difference.

One piece of advice I would give you is that to do CPR you need to be using quite a lot of force, it is common for ribs to be cracked during CPR. Also if you do it to the rytham of nelly the elephant you'll be about right.

I'm not sure that jumping up and down on someones chest singing nelly the elephant is quite the right image though!


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Re: How do you handle death?

Post by AlexB » Mon May 09, 2011 10:50 am

Hi Bodsy,

GavinB and I are sorry to hear your news and send our wishes to you and your family at this time.

Gav asked me to send the reply, because even though his mum died from cancer 5 years ago it still hurts. The end part of her life was quite quick (we didn't even have time to get her to the hospice we wanted to), and as others have mentioned there was a feeling of relief when she passed away. She and us had lived on and off with cancer for 6 years.

As a lot of people have said don't bottle it up. It is hard not too... and I personally think it's usually harder for men not to bottle it up than women. However, on the other hand everyone deals with death differently and for some people not talking about it and getting on with life is how they best cope. There is no right or wrong answer on how to deal with it, but at least you know there are a lot of people around you to support you, give words of advise and also try and make you laugh (if only on this forum.. but do remember the public side of it)

When Gav (or is it Gavlar?!) asked me to write the reply he reminded me of all the things we had spoken about / done when his mum died. Ok some of this is a bit practical, but with all the emotions that go around at this time you sometimes don't get a chance to think about them.

So our advise is remember the wake should be a celebration of a life.. although different people will handle it all in different ways. His mum asked for bubbles to be blown at the funeral. It sounded stupid, but we did it and I have to say it brought a smile to all our faces. Gav's uncle did a slideshow of his mum, because he wanted everyone to remember her whole life and not just the cancer bit. Gav had a very good :censored: up & was the last one at the pub with his god father!!

Gav's mum was also cremated and we decided that we wanted a permanent reminder of her somewhere. So there is a bench in woodland / open space area near where we live. Our little ones know what the bench means and it's a great place to go and have a sit & a think if needed.

Remember that kids handle things differently to adults and they have their own ways of dealing with it. (But also remember that although you'll be trying to support other people you also have to think of you)

On a practical note get multiple copies of the death certificate... we never realised how many people we needed to send it to...

Having a friend in scouting pass away from cancer last week (they had less than 3 weeks from finding out he had cancer) it reminded me of the how scouting announces someone's death as 'Gone home'. It also reminds me of Finn coming running in half way through watching Kung Fu Panda in tears because Master Oogway had died. He wasn't upset that he had died, he was upset that he had 'Gone Home' to his family, but had left his friends behind. He was 3....

For me I don't know how I'll react when I get the news about my parents (hopefully in many, many, many years) but I already now cherish every moment I have with them and I have fantastic memories of us all. For me though it's harder to deal with the volunteer work I do with 'Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep' when parents never get the chance to take their babies home from hospital. How they cope with death I will never understand.

And finally with regard to CPR, what Stu says is spot on. And better to use Nelly the Elephant for the correct speed for compressions, rather than 'Another one bites the dust'

Take care Bodsy, our thoughts are with you....



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